Monday, October 8, 2012

Bourbon and Cigarettes

WH and I were at happy hour this evening when we happened upon one of the most annoying characters in the human species.  A character that I like to call the "Bourbon and Cigarettes* Girl."  This woman (not a girl, I suppose) is ever-present wherever people gather.  She is never alone, and she is always loud.  Always. She has that voice that sounds like she's been drinking a bottle of bourbon and smoking a pack of cigarettes a day.  Slightly gravelly, full of vibrato (and for that matter, bravado), deep, and throaty. 

You know this woman.  She is the one at the Chinese restaurant, surrounded by friends (all of whom seem to have been striken mute or speak in inaudible tones barely above a whisper), regaling them (and all the tables around her) with full-volume stories of how, "oh.my.god. I was so drunk the other night and I was totally hooking up with this guy, but he didn't want to stay over, because I live in Arlington and he lives in Capitol Hill, but I convinced him anyway..."  She is the one who is sitting next to you on the Metro, talking on her cell phone ensuring that you're aware of her asshole boss, where she works, and her annual salary.  She is the one the next bar stool over on a blind date, filling her date's head with stories of how awesome and supportive her parents are for paying her rent and letting her live in D.C. even though she hasn't had a job for six months.  She uses words like, "A-MA-ZING," "OMG," and "TOTALLY!"  She LOOOOOOOVES the sound of her own voice, and is pretty sure you do too.  In fact, she's even currently appearing in a leading role in a Marshall's commercial, evidenced here:


Some famous Bourbon and Cigarettes Girls include Rachael Ray, Lara Spencer, and Ryan Seacrest (yeah, yeah, I know).  Or, as in the case of the young woman sitting near us tonight, she is the one who is so enamored of her cats (Toby and Muffin...I swear, I'm not making this up), that she whips out her phone (it was 100% a Sidekick and it was most definitely pink) to share photos of them with the bartender.  It's impossible to ignore her, and because of this, you learn details you don't care to know about anyone.  For instance, Toby is a striped cat, but has a white belly, and Muffin is a black and white tuxedo.  I'm pretty sure I could identify Toby and Muffin in an lineup, even though I wasn't privvy to the Sidekick photos.

The Bourbon and Cigarettes Girl is the most obnoxious of breeds.  She must draw attention to herself, even in a quiet and crowded library, simply because her boots are so freakin' cute.  She thinks she's adorable, witty, and intelligent.  Would that we all had this unfailing confidence in ourselves.   And no matter where you go, she and her mute friends, are sitting next to you.

So the next time you're out in public and you end up sitting next to this woman, please, come sit by me . . . I'll be on the other side of the Bourbon and Cigarettes Girl rolling my eyes.

*This is not meant as a criticism of bourbon or cigarettes . . . but merely as an evocative descriptor.

2 comments:

  1. lol - so true!! Heaven help you when this is also the girl who interns in your office...

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  2. I worked with a girl like this. It's a perfect description and she liked both and hated me!

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