There are few things that bring Washingtonians more glee that heaping insults upon the much-maligned Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority (WMATA). I've certainly done my fair share of it. Today's as good as any, too, with temperatures soaring into the triple digits and the "heat kink" causing delays on Red Line tracks. Needless to say, rush hour commutes were snarled with long waits on overheated platforms. And what better way to keep yourself entertained than by playing along to a snarky little WMATA Drinking Game*? My friend the Policy Lawyer and I came up with this little gem over the course of a few days last week. See if you can find your favorite Metro faux pas listed below:
One drink for tourists who stand on the left of the escalator; two drinks for escalator disruptions; and finish your drink if the escalator stops while you're on it.
One drink for someone singing; two if they're not wearing headphones.
One drink for every mispronounced station; two if the driver pronounces Judiciary Square correctly; finish your drink if the driver pronounces L'Enfant Plaza correctly.
One drink for loud cell phone conversations; two if the conversation involves sex or other private matters.
One drink for unruly kids; two if said kids are swinging on a pole.
One drink for anyone consuming food or drink; two if it's fried chicken; finish your drink if it's pizza.
One drink if the bus driver honks his horn; two if there is no apparent reason for the honk.
Do a shot for any personal hygiene/grooming tasks performed (including but not limited to nail clipping, nail polishing, applying make up, etc.)
One drink for tourists; two if they block the platform.
One drink for sick passengers.
One drink for people who think their bag needs a seat; two if they don't give priority to the elderly/handicapped.
One drink if your SmarTrip card doesn't work; two if you can't find a Metro worker to fix it.
One drink for Metro delay; two for track derailments; two more if the delay is unspecified.
One drink for a speeding bus driver; two if he misses your stop because he's speeding; finish your drink if he misses your stop because he was on his cell phone.
One drink if the person next to you strikes up a conversation; two if it's about Jesus; two more if they try to pick you up; and finish your drink if the picker-uper appears to be drunk.
One drink if the bus driver runs a red light; two for narrowly missing a pedestrian; finish your drink if the driver yells at said pedestrian.
One drink if your felllow rider bumps up against you; two if he's pushing; kill yourself if he's pushing with his "manhood."
One drink for random and/or unusual substances in Metro (including hair balls, obvious speutum, sunflower seed shells, hair braids/extensions, etc.).
One drink if your bus doesn't say which route; two if it lists the wrong stops inside the bus.
One drink if there's something wet on the seat; two if you sit in it.
One drink if bus driver gets into argument with a passenger; two if he assaults a passenger; and finish your drink if passengers assault each other.
Finish for a 10 cent fair hike; finish a bottle for a 25 cent hike.
If you don't see your favorite here, please add it in the comments section. I'd love to know how to make this the most robust satirical drinking game on the web.
*Note, a "drink" equals a sip of your beverage of choice. Please also note that eating and drinking are illegal on both Metrobus and Metrorail, regardless of how much more tolerable it may make your trip.