The Witching Hour

Wonderful Husband must be getting in the mood for Halloween, because the conversation we just had could only come from an overload of horror movies.  And we already know he's had deep thoughts about zombies. But tonight, tonight is something special.  It went something like this:

WH: I've been thinking about vampires.  If they're on a liquid diet, drinking blood, don't you think they would have diarrhea a lot?

WT: Uh . . .

WH:  And why, in any vampire movie, does Dracula or anybody always have a nice dining table?  Because, it seems to me, that the only thing they need is a little juice bar.  Not even a refrigerator.

WT: Oh.

WH: I guess they could have nice wine glasses, but no plates.

WT: Maybe.

WH:  At least werewolves eat like humans, and then once a month when the moon is full, they eat rare meat.  As a human the next day, though, the guy probably has an upset stomach because too much meat is not agreeing with him.

WT: Yeah.

WH:  Here's the thing . . . when they eat that raw meat, they have the insides of a wolf.  But the next day, is their colon the colon of a human or the colon of a wolf?  Because that makes a huge difference.  If it's a human colon, I bet the next month they're going to think twice about rare meat.

WT: Hmm.

WH:  And why the hell does a werewolf have a sixpack?  When you look at the stomach of a wolf, they don't have sixpacks, in fact, they usually have a round tummy.

WT: Yeah.

WH:  And what if they already had a big meal before they turn into a werewolf? What then?

WT:  I don't know.

WH:  If werewolves do exist, I'm pretty sure they live in Pennsylvania or in upstate New York.  I don't think they have werewolves in Arizona, because it's too hot there.  They would turn into a were-coyote.

WT: Right.

WH: And you know who was the weirdest werewolf ever?

WT:  Who?

WH:  Michael Jackson.  He decided to go dancing instead of hunting.  Round up a bunch of dead bodies and go dancing. 

You can't make this stuff up.  He went to say that if they do exist, he'd rather be attacked by a werewolf or vampire than having to deal with religious extremists.  I have to agree with him on that one.