Saturday, September 18, 2010

Zombie Apocalypse

Last night WH and I went to happy hour with another couple, our friends the Foodies.  I was invited, along with Foodie Girl and Foodie Boy, for free food and drinks, and WH was along for the ride.  The night started off normal enough, but devolved when, somehow, the conversation turned to the apocalypse (which may or may not include zombies).  While FB and I sat there listening (and I took notes), WH and FG discussed their survival plans.  It started like this*:

Wonderful Husband: The way I see it, the earth is a living thing.

Foodie Girl: Yeah, and it's pissed.

WH:  Exactly, and it cleans itself.

FG: It's douching!

Yes, this really happened.  I kind of wonder what the people at other tables were thinking (if they were listening . . . and I would've been listening, because it was good free entertainment).  And on it went:

FG: You know those flashlights that you wind up?  I have three of them.

WH: Yeah, we gotta get some of those.

FG:  The first thing I'm gonna get when the apocalypse happens is swords.  Because swords don't jam.

WH: Yeah, and you need one of those shark suits made of metal. 

FG: I'm gonna get swords and then I'm going to go to Costco and clean it out of zombies. 

WH:  We need to get Spam and pineapple.

FG: And Twinkies.

WH:  And that canned chicken.  My mom comes from Costco and she has six cans of chicken because they served her some on a cracker and she thought it was good.

FG:  My mom does that too! And it's not good! 

After a quick sidebar about the miracle of Costco, they were back on track. 

WH:  The first thing I'm getting is booze, because I'm going to need to be drunk. 

FG:  Yeah, but not only to be drunk, but also because it's good for cleaning wounds.

At least they're practical.

FG: You know, sometimes when I'm on the subway and I look at my fellow travelers and I realize this is who I'm going to be stuck with when the apocalypse hits. 

WH: I think that too, but mostly I think, "Who am I going to punch?"  I've already decided on my weapon.

FG: I'm totally getting a samurai sword.

WH:  Oh yes, in a home invasion situation you don't to worry about getting your gun out of  a box.  You need golf balls.  Because nobody is expecting you to throw golf balls at them.

Foodie Boy: I agree with that.

FG:  And a baseball bat. And a katana

WH:  You have no idea how many anchors I want to go after.

WashingTina: Anchors?

WH:  Anchors.  On the news.  You know, Pat Collins. 

FG:  That's true. 
So apparently, not only are they going to prepare for doomsday, but they're also going to go after newspeople. 

WH:  Everybody knows doomsday is coming.
FG:  Even if you just joke about it, you really need a plan.

WT:  Well, just leave me behind to get eaten by zombies, because you already know I'm not good in a crisis.  And I don't want to be that girl in the movie that everybody keeps wishing would just die already. 

FG:  How do you feel about this, WH?

WH:  She's too cute to die.  But I really hate it when people go into shock..

WT:  That's me.

WH:  Then leave your shock away from me.

WT:  Yeah, just leave me behind and let the zombies eat me.

FG:  This isn't zombies, this is real people.

WH: Maybe even Teabaggers.

WT:  Fine, then let Sarah Palin eat me.

This went on for some time.  This is exactly how the conversation went, too.  I know because, like a freak, I was sitting at happy hour taking notes.

I guess the good news is that, since WH has already come up with a plan, I can sit back and relax knowing that our (possible zombie) apocalypse contingency is already covered.  I can worry about things like living wills and life insurance.  The only thing that troubles me a little is how we're going to get to Costco.  We don't have a car.  But I'm sure WH already has that covered.

*This may or may not be original material by the artists currently known as Wonderful Husband and Foodie Girl.  All I know is I reported exactly as I heard it.


  1. Katana, pineapple, and spam sounds good to me.

  2. ROFL! This is too funny. I would have loved to be able to sit and listen to that conversation.