WH: I figured out the best way we can get fast cash.It does make sense. And I really could use $5 million dollars. But I don't want to be the one stuck driving the van.
WT: Really? How?
WH: Jared from Subway is training for the marathon. So you drive the van slowly. I'll grab him from the side of the street while he's running and chloroform him.*
WH: And then what we do is pull up his shirt and take a picture of all of his stomach staples and scars from the surgery from his tuck.
WH: We contact Subway and tell them that unless they give us $5 million, the pictures will be sent to Quiznos headquarters. I'm sure they'll know what to do with it. It has to be a reasonable amount. Five million is enough for us and it's not enough that Subway will fight over it. They'll pay. You know they will. And if either of us disappears or if we don't hear back, we automatically release the photos to Quiznos and all the news outlets.
WT: Oh. But how do you know he got work done?
WH: These are the facts. First, everyone who comes on TV to tell how they lost weight, they always have a body shot. Females always have a bikini and males always have boxers. But not Jared . . . he always dresses like Charlie Sheen's brother in "Two and a Half Men." You never see him naked. Number two, when they show him training for a marathon, it looks like it's the first time he's ever been running in his life.
WH: We have to do it on Halloween so nobody will even notice that we're wearing masks. It still looks normal.
WT: But where will we get a van?
WH: You can't get it from Budget. You can get it from a lumber yard or from some dealership with no security camera in West Virginia or Pennsylvania. Cash only. And in Hollywood, since terrorists always use black vans and pedophiles always use white vans, I guess we'll have to get a grey van.
WT: Well, how do we know where he is running?
WH: You're going to have to do your homework. And since he's an ego maniac, when you call him over, "Oh my gosh! It's Jared from Subway!" he won't even think anything is weird. Technically, he's not going to remember. Then before he even knows what happened, he's going to wake up in the grass somewhere, with the last memory of some people in masks on Halloween.
WT: And if we ever do get caught, our lawyer is going to ask him, "Did they drug you?" and he's going to say yes. That's when the lawyer is going to say, "So you admit, you were under the influence of drugs. Then how do you know what you remember?" I know. I watch Law & Order.
Happy Halloween, Jared!
*Note: No Subway spokespeople were harmed in the writing of this story.