Crime Doesn't Pay

I was watching TV just now and saw a teaser run across the bottom of the screen "Tonight at 11: Hamburglar Arrested." Could it be? Could the most notorious hamburger thief of all time have finally met his inevitable end? I started to think about the Hamburglar and what might've lead him to his life of crime. I came up with a couple of possible sources:

  • His name. Hamburglar. Much the same way as a mother who names her kid Trinity, Starla, or Diamante must know from the start that her daughter is going to grow up to be a stripper, the Hamburglar's mother must've known that he'd turn to a life of crime. It's right there in his name: BURGLAR. No brainer.
  • Poor verbal skills. Perhaps the Hamburglar, despite his inauspicious moniker, had a strong beginning in the world. But he didn't start talking as fast as the other kids, and when he finally did, all he could manage was a weak, "Robble, robble." His parents lost faith, stopped paying attention to him, didn't attend teacher conferences, and sent a neighbor to pick him up when he was suspended for bad behavior in the third grade. A downward spiral until one day, he lived up to his name.
  • Wardrobe. Once he began living up to his name, his mother stopped buying him Garanimals and he had to start wearing the hat, cape, and mask. It was all downhill from there.

And so, today, after many years on the lam, causing trouble for Ronald McDonald and Grimmace alike, the Hamburglar finally met his ultimate fate. I suspect Mayor McCheese will use this as his campaign platform in the upcoming election.  Robble, robble indeed.

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